Having been borne from a mother who did it all, it makes sense that I, as the eldest, and a girl, followed in her footsteps.
So when I got married, on top of all the duties of hearth and home, I worked full-time and was the primary breadwinner.
I opened a day program to help folks manage their psychiatric symptoms and transition from years of residence in the state psychiatric hospital into the community. I oversaw staff, ran groups, complied with state and federal requirements, worked with the clinical team and networked with the community. And I initiated outreach services statewide.
The program gained state recognition for piloting outreach services and for the public relations committee in which clients educated the community first-hand about mental illness.
After my son was born, the “Do it All” increased in intensity. Now, I had a baby in need of caring and mama’s milk.
Three years later, it became apparent that something wasn’t working. I was unhappy as was my husband and later we divorced.
Then, as a single parent, I had no choice but to do it all and provide for my child.
Several years later, while still working in community mental health, I knew it was time to leave and venture out into private practice.
But, my mindset immobilized me: “I’m a single parent. How will I maintain my standard of living? I can’t give up the medical insurance, the 401K, the paid time off. There’s no way I can leave.”
And it was at my son’s baseball game that I came to the awareness of, “Of course you can’t leave, if you believe you can’t leave” and came face-to-face with the fact that I was wholly responsible for myself and my son and that only it was up to me to develop a thriving practice. And so I took the leap.
Throughout these next decades my “Do it All” not only helped me create a successful therapy practice, in New Hampshire, but also in North Carolina. It helped me launch Google ads, create my own websites, landing pages, an online mentorship process and even a Facebook funnel. It helped me develop familiarity with a variety of software apps and computer technology, all of which I detested.
Yet, the “Do it All” persisted. It believed that I needed to “master” all the shit I hated, and do it all myself. Yet, with each interaction with apps and tech, I grew more and more frustrated and more and more stressed. Never once did I consider asking for help. After all, I was capable, competent and creative.
When ultimately I was thrown into adrenal fatigue, had no energy and felt disdain for life, I knew something was off. I was off. Something had to give, because I had buckled under and could not sustain this level of tension and stress in my life.
Rather than persisting, rather than resisting, I surrendered to the reality that maybe I wasn’t the best person for doing the dreaded jobs.
Thankfully, I found Emily. She knows computer tech. She knows digital marketing. She listens to me. We work together as a team, complimenting each others’ skills and areas of expertise. And I love that she challenges me to be more than I can. It was her suggestion that I present myself in video and if not for her I wouldn’t have recognized that I was hiding in the shadows.
We cannot see what we do not see. I did not see that I was governed by the “Do it All” until in my 60’s. And the irony is that all along, I saw it within my clients. I see it within healthcare professionals, psychotherapists and other helpers and healers. I see how we take up the burden of doing it all, going at it alone and how we incur suffering upon ourselves.
With surrendering the need to do it all, we bring in the opportunity to co-create, deepen intimacy in our relationships, bring more of us to others. We allow for more creativity and the flourishing of who we are at our core, what we value, and we give more space for our gifts and talents.
I am grateful for the fact that I need not do it all. And as I write this, I am heartened that my home is being cleaned by someone who makes magic happen and that I don’t have to do it all.
If you’d like to create more space for your gifts and talents, contact me for a complimentary Spiritual Strategy Session. I’m happy to help and support you, so that you need not “Do it All.”
